BF and I live together with our 3 kids. He has had major mood changes in the past 3 months. Flipping from hot to cold in a matter of seconds,yelling, gambling, compulsive spending, lying about finances, starting arguments, hypersexual. I also have noticed that he is getting very depressed and very recently told me that he wanted to die. He is just all over the board where his emotions are concerned.

I have had to tell his parents and my parents what is going on with him. BF does not know that I went to his parent but I felt like I had no other choice. I found out that the issues outlined above are nothing new and have been going on for years but they have not been addressed by a professional because BF thinks that there is nothing wrong with him. BF keeps telling me that our issues are all my fault and if I tell his parents what is going on he will resent me and will try to blackmail me. Over what I have no clue.

BF parents, brothers and I are getting together this weekend to confront him and try to get him some help but I am scared that he will do something stupid in the mean time (ex. go through sucide threat)as bf is getting more and more depressed. Help!! I need some advice!

Could BF be bipolar???

For immediate help re the suicide threats, there is the suicide line: 1-800-784-2433.

What a difficult position - I really feel for you and your family. I think it is great that you reached out to his parents etc., as this is a lot to handle on your own.

One thing I can suggest is to keep things as low key as possible during your meeting - low expressed emotion it is called. Use "I" statements e.g. "I feel really scared when....." and that you would feel so much better if he went to see a dr. because it sounds like the symptoms might be bipolar disorder and you are all very worried for him. Perhaps you could talk to your husbands family before hand to see if they can point out examples of other family members who had similar symptoms (as these things are genetic and almost always can be traced in family trees - diagnosed or not). That would help to "normalize" it, so that your husband doesn't thing everyone is ganging up on him.

You might want to organize your thoughts on paper beforehand to keep on track. Maybe focus on one thing - like seeing a dr. - if only for your and your children's sake,even if he doesn't think there is anything wrong.

And if he does agree to see Dr., you might want to list things that you have seen on paper and fax it to them before hand, or make a separate appointment to see them, to express your concerns and observations. There are confidentiality issues with this though - the Dr. might let your husband know you have done this, and that could have repercussions with your husband...it is a hard one because family input is so important, but no one likes to be discussed behind their backs, and those with bipolar or other can be very touchy and volatile.

You might also make appointments with mental health team and Ministry of Child and Youth (because this must be affecting your children too) for yourself, to discuss your situation and see if they have any useful advice. BCSS may have support in your area too. At the very least it would give you a safe place to voice your concerns with people who are familiar with such situations - this is a lot to handle on your own.

Hope this helps - I'm sure others will have more to add as well.

Rebecca

Hi MPVG,

Only a doctor can say for sure, but the symptoms you've described do fit what I understand about bipolar disorder. (http://www.mooddisorders.on.ca/bipolar.html)

Folks with bipolar disorder, like folks with schizophrenia, sometimes aren't able to recognize that they're ill. I agree it's a good idea to call the suicide line - most suicide lines are just as much to help people concerned about someone suicidal as for the person themselves, so don't feel awkward about calling.

Since you're in Ontario, I suggest you also contact the mood disorders association of Ontario: http://www.mooddisorders.on.ca/ who might also have some suggestions.

Above all it's important to look after yourself and your kids. If your finances are merged with his, you may want to un-merge them or have some money of your own that he can't access. If he's yelling and pressuring you for sex you don't want, you might look at whether you need to live apart till he's more stable. The kids will need to know it's not their fault, and that they can rely on you to be the adult.

Good for you for reaching out to his parents. This is not something you need to cope with alone.
The good news is that the treatments for bipolar disorder (if that's what is going on) can be very effective.

I hope you will keep checking in with us and that your meeting this weekend goes well.

Welcome to the group.

Sincerely,
Sophia

Forum Moderator

Welcome MPVG

It can be very difficult when someone you care about does not recognize that they are ill. If you had a broken leg it is the brain that tells you to get help but when the brain has a break then there is nothing to tell it to get help. It can be healed.

Sometimes partners are left with no other choice then using an ultimatum. They tell their partner to go to the doctor (psychiatrist or psychologist) and follow the doctors treatment or they cannot live with the family. When all else fails this may be your only option and the only way to keep yourself and the kids in a stable environment.

I live in Ontario and the Toronto branch of the Mood Disorders Association is excellent. They do run classes for family members of a loved with a mental illness and you do not have to have an official diagnosis in the family to attend. Attending this class will give you much needed support and information about how to best help your family. The Mood Disorders association may also have a crisis counsellor you can speak to. If not then Schizophrenia Society of Ontario does and it is free of charge to anyone dealing with family and severe mental illness symptoms but does not have to be symptoms of schizophrenia. Their province wide crisis worker can be reached at 1-800-449-6367.

Let us know how you are doing.